Two cups of coffee and an amazing breakfast already down; morning rituals. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking, as I usually do. My brain is always on. Sometimes it’s almost to on though, you know what I mean?
Instead of a clear train of thought that leads you down a railroad to your next stop, where you then get up and off the train, walking briskly to your destination, my train of thought looks more like a high way filled with intersections.
Thoughts moving at high speed, coming from each direction, with no direction. Just moving with the sole purpose of avoiding collision. So then, dead stop. Traffic jam. All these thoughts with no direction. Static.
I often think about why I’m here and wonder how I got myself into this predicament. So many great ideas, so much potential, so much doubt. I think about the person I was just a few years ago, and I think about the girl I was even before then. I think about how different things are now.
Time has gone by almost seamlessly, one day blending into the next. The years are just a smooth, yet not so comforting, exhale of breath. So we inhale the new and the fresh then exhale the stale, and the stagnant?
These past few years so much of me has changed. I have been able to almost do a complete 180 with my life. Doing things, I only dreamt of. Living each day closer to my goals. Everything I have now was so far away just two years ago, and even further away 6 years ago. *Which makes sense, the further the memory the greater the distanced in time.*
In 2010 I started lifting. Passionately motivated by my boyfriend with his dedication to training and respect for his body. What he saw in me, must not have been who I was then. But maybe the women I could have become. The women I am trying to become. Maybe he saw the catalyst of momentum we are now able to provide for one another. To push, grow and pursue. The constant want for more. Finding the discomfort in comfort.
Irrelevant: Clicking away at these keys is therapy for me. I have always been sensitive to sound and touch. I have always been, well, somewhat sensitive. I love the sound of each letter and symbol being pushed and the release of the key coming back up. The sliding of my fingers across the board. One of my favorite key notes is the space bar. It’s the most distinct of them all. But before I get too weird here, let’s get back on track.
Even though I am getting closer to my goals and have been given amazing opportunities, I still feeling so unfulfilled. I have so much, yet I feel that it’s not enough. I’ve grown and it’s still not enough. I have set goals and achieved many of them. But why is this still not enough. So I’m left wondering, am I just ungrateful of these opportunities? Do I not appreciate and value my try enough to be proud of myself?
The answer to that is simple, no. No I am not ungrateful; I couldn’t be happier to be out of some of the darkest places I have ever been in. I am proud to have overcome so many fears and insecurities. To able to fly alone, be alone, survive on my own. I know I can do these things now and my anxiety is becoming a distant old friend. One who writes “you” only when misery needs company.
The first truth is, I am feeling unfulfilled because I have been doing so much for me and not enough for others.
These past five years I have had so much work to do on myself and lets not get it twisted, I still do. But, I have once again, unintentionally removed and forgotten something that brings me happiness. Which is making others feel happy and great about themselves!
I need to get back to that.
But I shy’d away. I began to think…
“how could I ever make anyone else feel good and happy, when I am so sad and confused? How could I be the light I want to provide to others to help them shine when I’m stuck in a cloud?”
The second truth is that, what if I’ve been able to do it all along? To provide happiness to those around me even in my darkest of places, because I actually grow off the light of others. I am my brightest when I provide. But I was hiding behind the happiness I was creating for others. And maybe that was the problem. Has it been selfish of me to want true happiness for myself?
If I can bring a smile to someone’s face even when I am at my lowest, wouldn’t it make sense to better myself, AT LEAST, to be able to help others more deeply?
Aren’t we all worth that? Do we not all deserve to smile with ourselves and not just through the response of a smile brought from you to others? Making others laugh, to hide our pain? We are worth it. With our own inner growth, we can provide a stronger more genuine projection of the growth we seek for those around us.
Through this journey of life, with all its little scattered puzzle pieces, I must have dropped more than I could fit into my hands while picking up others.
What are some of the things that you do that make your heart radiate? What makes you feel great about yourself that doesn’t directly benefit you?
Please leave a comment and let me know!! ❤